I had a Thai massage at the weekend. Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I just keep thinking: “Don’t get a hard-on. Don’t get a hard-on”.
But of course she did.
A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room.
“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims.
“This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“
“Your light was on,” says the man.
~
At a Halloween party...
Man: What have you come as?
Woman: A harp.
Man: You’re too small to be a harp.
Woman: Are you calling me a lyre?
~
Interviewer: What would you say was your greatest strength?
Job Applicant: Well, I can perform under pressure.
Interviewer: Can you give an example?
Applicant: Oh, umm...
Dum dum dum de de dum dum
Dum dum dum de de dum dum
PRESSURE! Pushing down me,
Pushing down on you...
~
King: “How many men have volunteered for my army?”
General: “380, my liege”
King: “OK, round them up”
General: “400, my liege”
~
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I want us to split up.”
Boyfriend: “Great idea. That way we can cover twice as much ground.”
~
Buildings Inspector: “So what are you going to call this place?”
Darth Vader: “The Death...”
Buildings Inspector looks up from clipboard
Darth Vader: “...uhhhh The Health Star.”
A duck books into a hotel. He goes up to reception and says, "I'm feeling lucky, love. Have you got any condoms?"
"Yes we have," replies the receptionist. "Shall I put them on your bill?"
"Well, if you're feeling kinky," the duck says.
~
My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding, we should have just hired a photographer.
~
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
A: Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.
~
Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out. Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.
The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obviously wrong with either of you. But Mary, I think you might be overheating in the act. I suggest you purchase a fan and use that when you go to bed.”
Paddy, being a careful sort, doesn’t want to splash out on a new fan so he rings his best pal Tommy and asks Tommy if he’ll flap a towel over Paddy and Mary as they make love. That evening Tommy comes round and waves a towel over the couple as they go at it. Two hours later, there’s still no difference, Mary is still unsatisfied.
“Paddy, I tell you what,” suggests Mary, “Why don’t you swap places with Tommy? You can flap the towel and Tommy and I can try the love making.”
Desperate, Paddy agrees. Within 5 minutes of Mary and Tommy making vigorous love Mary reaches a thunderous climax, and then again. And then again. Finally after an hour they both collapse on the bed, exhausted.”
“That, Tommy”, Paddy announces, “is how you flap a bloody towel!”
