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Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.



More Funny One Liners

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