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Life Quotes

Funny Life Quotes
 Funny Life Quotes
  • “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson
  • “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown
  • “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” - Isaac Asimov
  • “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope
  • “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost
  • “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” - Unknown
  • ”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” - Unknown
  • “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey
  • “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers
  • “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose
  • “Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” - Unknown
  • “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein
  • “Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” - Unknown
  • “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
  •  “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain
  • “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” - Dennis Miller
  • “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” - Unknown
  • “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” - Unknown
  • “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire
  • “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” - Wilson Mizner
  • “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln 
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

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 Funny Life Quotes