Programmer Jokes

Funny Programmer / Software Engineering Jokes
Funny Programmer Programming Software Engineer Engineering Computer Jokes

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

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["hip","hip"]
(hip hip array!)
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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem






There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

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“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
...very long pause....
“Java.”

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Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

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Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

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To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.


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The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

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Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Yes.
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Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

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From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:


Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. 

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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.  The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike.  She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

The first student responds, “Good choice!  Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

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Why computers are like men:
  • In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  • They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  • They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

  • No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  • Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Why do Java programmers need glasses?
Because they can't C#

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Laws of Computer Programming
  • Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  • Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  • If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  • If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  • Any program will expand to fill available memory.
  • The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
  • Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
  • Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
  • Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
  • Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.





Funny Programmer Programming Software Engineer Engineering Jokes