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Epic One Liners

Quotes Sayings Hilarious Very Funny One Liners
Epic Hilarious Very Funny One Liners Sayings Quotes

I recently sold my vacuum. It was just collecting dust.
It's really hard to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
Say what you want about deaf people!
When I die I want to go peacefully and in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers.
My ex still misses me, but her aim is getting better.
If a girl prevents from reaching your goals, she's a keeper.
I'd like to tell you a story about my d1ck, but its too long.
If a blind girl says you have a big d1ck, she's probably just pulling your leg.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
"How's North Korea?" "Can't complain."
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.
I got a universal remote, it really changes everything
RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
A seal walks into a club.
A skeleton walk into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
I've not spoken to my wife for years, I don't want to interrupt her.
Two peanuts were walking through the park. One was assaulted.
A duck walks into a store and says, "One loaf of bread, and put it on my bill".
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
At night I'd lay in my twin bed and wonder where my brother was.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
My room mate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Is "tired old cliché" one?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The head waiter said, "Don't I know you?"
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
Clinical studies have shown that women who are slightly overweight live longer than men who mention it.
I didn't like my haircut at first, but it's really growing on me!
Time to make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
Make like an exorcist and get the hell out of here.
Time to make like a horse's dick, and hit the road.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Tried to catch fog yesterday... mist.
Are you sitting on an F5 key, because that ass is refreshing.
You've really got to hand it to a blind prostitute.
My fake plants died because I do not pretend to water them.
I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a lady who'd be upset if she heard me say that.
I haven't slept for three days...because that would be too long.
I used to be addicted to soap, it's okay, I'm clean now.
I've never really trusted trees, they just seem a little shady.
I farted in a lift, it was wrong on so many levels.
Don't let that extra chromosome get you down!
Dark humour is like food, not everybody gets it.
Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
A woman walks past a shoe shop...
I don't like sharing walls with neighbours, I think I have an apartment complex.
Corduroy pillows, they're making headlines.

Tim Vine
Milton Jones
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
Groucho Marx
Stward Francis