Funny jokes, insults, puns, pictures, memes, cartoons and gifs.

New Year One-Liners

Funny New Year One-Liners
Funny New Year One-Liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up thinking.

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

Most New Years resolutions go in one year and out the other.

The best way to keep a New Year’s resolution is to keep it to yourself.

'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.' - Dorothy Parker

Vegan Almond Milking

Funny Vegan Almond Milking Meme Picture
Funny Vegan Almond Milking Meme Picture - The hardest part about being vegan is having to wake up at 5am to milk all the almonds.

Robot Hoover Dog Fail

Funny Robot Hoover Dog Crap Fail Picture
Funny Robot Hoover Dog Crap Fail Picture - So I thought I'd do a spot of hoovering with Bernie.

Amazing Weight Loss

Funny Robert Amazing Weight Loss Picture
Funny Robert Amazing Weight Loss Picture - In only 2 weeks Robert lost his glasses

Outstanding Frog Meme

I'm going to stand outside, so i am outstanding
Funny Outstanding Frog Meme Picture - I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

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Funny loading wasted 10 seconds of your life gif picture
Funny loading wasted 10 seconds of your life gif picture

Married Lions Before After

Funny Married Lions Before After Joke Picture
Funny Married Lions Before After Joke Picture

Sibling Rivalry Gifs

Sibling Rivalry Gifs Picture

Funny Sibling Rivalry Gif Picture

Funny Sibling Rivalry Gif Picture
Funny Sibling Rivalry Gif Pictures

Nosy Neighbours

Funny curious animals looking in the window joke picture
Nosy neighbours - Funny curious animals looking in the window joke picture

I Am Not Drunk Gif

Funny I Am Not Drunk Gif Picture
Funny I Am Not Drunk Gif Picture

Scared Spider Cartoon

Funny Scared Spider Cartoon - Hey Bob!  Did I scare you or what?
Funny Scared Spider Cartoon - Hey Bob!  Did I scare you or what?

Romantic Date Tree Carving Meme

Funny Romantic Date Tree Carving Meme - When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date
Funny Romantic Date Tree Carving Meme - When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date

Good Religious Evangelist Cartoon

Funny Good Religious Evangelist Cartoon Joke Picture
Funny Good Religious Evangelist Cartoon Joke Picture - I would have made a good evangelist.  I hit him with my lunch box!

Deodorant Fart Stick

Funny Deodorant Fart Stick Joke Picture
Funny Deodorant Fart Stick Joke Picture - I got a new deodorant stick today... The instructions said: remove cap and push up bottom.  I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely

Dog Certificate Obedience Training

Funny Dog Chews Certificate Obedience Training Joke Picture
Funny Dog Chews Certificate Obedience Training Joke Picture

Jack The Stripper Cartoon

Funny Jack The Stripper Cartoon Picture
Funny Jack The Stripper Cartoon Picture - For years he spread fear in the streets of London

New Year Quotes

Funny New Year Life Quotes
 Funny New Year Quotes

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate

To be an ideal guest, stay at home. - E. W. Howe

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties. - Barbara Walters

A year from now, you're gonna weigh more or less than what you do right now. - Phil McGraw

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke

I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. - Robert Paul

New Year's Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

New Year Jokes

New Year Resolution Diet Joke Cartoon
 New Year Resolution Diet Joke Cartoon
New Year' s Resolutions
  • 2012: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
  • 2013: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
  • 2014: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
  • 2015: I will work out 3 days a week.
  • 2016: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year Resolution Diet Joke Cartoon
New Year Resolution Diet Joke Cartoon

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

New Year Jokes Angry Wife
 New Year Jokes Angry Wife

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
Funny New Year Laywer Joke
Funny New Year Joke - Honey, our lawyer wishes us, but in no way guarantees a happy new year

Christmas Cartoons

Funny Father Christmas Note - Dear Santa Poisoned Milk
Funny Father Christmas Note - Dear Santa, If you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.

Christmas British Bulldog

Funny Christmas British Bulldog Ho Joke Meme Photo
Funny Christmas British Bulldog Ho Joke Meme Photo

Psychic Medium Poster

Funny Psychic Medium Poster Show Cancelled Image
Funny Psychic Medium Poster Show Cancelled
Should have seen that coming, perhaps?



Hospital Surgery Joke

Funny Hospital Surgery Joke Picture - What do you mean left leg
Funny Hospital Surgery Joke Picture - What do you mean left leg

John Wayne Life Is Tough Quote

Funny John Wayne Quote
Funny John Wayne Quote - Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid

Cat First Walk

Funny Cat First Walk Joke Picture
Funny Cat First Walk Joke Picture - I took my cat on his first walk yesterday, now he is clinging like a limpet to a tree.

Speak up, man!!


"Doctor, I'm very sick, I need to be examined but please speak up because I'm a little bit deaf."

"Certainly my good man, can you list the symptoms?"

"Of course. There's Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa...."

Hampstead World Domination Services

Funny Hampstead World Domination Services
Hampstead World Domination Services - Allow us to take your dictatorship

Photo Face Recognition Fail

Funny Photo Black Face Recognition Fail Joke Picture
Funny Photo Black Face Recognition Fail Joke Picture

Good Morning Dog

Hilarious Good Morning Dog Curlers Picture
Funny Good Morning Dog Curlers Cereal Coffee Picture

Disney Pixar Up Sup Poster

Funny Disney Pixar Up Sup Poster Joke Picture
Funny Disney Pixar Up Sup Poster Joke Picture

Italian Barber Joke


“What we do for you today?” asked the barber.

“Oh, just a good trim,” I replied.  “I’m going on holiday.”

“Oh?” said the barber.  “Where you go?”

“Italy.”

“Italy!” exclaimed the barber.  “I from Italy!  Where in Italy?”

“Rome.”

“Ah, Roma," he sighed wistfully, continuing my haircut.

“I have an audience with the Pope.”

“You see il Papa??” He turned and shouted upstairs, “Maria! Maria!”

“What?” replied an irritated voice from upstairs.

“Dissa gennelman he gonna see il Papa!”

“Ah,” replied his wife. “Dassa nice.”

The barber finished my haircut but refused to let me pay him, so I bade him farewell and left.

I bumped into him the following week, with what must have been his wife.  I had tried to avoid him, but he saw me and ran over, beaming.

“Mister, mister!  How wassa Roma?”

“Very nice, thank you.” I replied.

“And il Papa?”

“He was well.”

“Ah, you hear that, Maria?  Il Papa is well... but ... mister, please tell me, watta he say to you?”

I hesitated… “He said 'My son', and then he lifted his hand up to my head..."

"Il Papa bless you??" asked the Italian excitedly.

"Not exactly, no," I replied. "He said, 'Tell me, where did you get that terrible haircut?'"

 Funny Italian Barber Rome Pope Haircut Joke

Toad Sweet

funny eiffel tower rich american tourist joke
Funny Paris Eiffel tower rich american tourist joke

“Monsieur, I regret, but I cannot be of assistance; Ze Tour Eiffel cannot be closed on ze weem of a wealthy American.”

“Weem??” shouted the American.  “I told Marlene while we were back in Texas that she could go up the Eiffel tower.  She’s been looking forward to it for weeks!”

The little Frenchman sighed.  “Monsieur, your wife is welcome to buy a ticket along with ze rest of our esteemed visitors.”

The American looked around at the mile long queue and snorted. “I don’t think so.  Look, bud…. how much for the thing?”

“What sing?”

“This,” replied the American, pointing up at the Eiffel Tower.

“You want to buy ze tower?”

“Yes, yes, dammit.  Look here, 2 million dollars in this rucksack.  Cash sale.”

The Frenchman scratched his black goatee, uncertain, but then smiled and took the bag. “But of course, monsieur.  I will just go and tell ze operators about ze new owners.  I will be back toute suite.”

“The name’s Vanderranch, Dick Vanderranch,” shouted the American after the disappearing Frenchman.  “Make sure they spell that right!”

“What did he mean, ‘toad sweet?’” said Marlene, twenty minutes later.

“Hell I don’t know,” said the American.  “It all sounds the same to me.  But don’t worry; everybody speaks dollar, even in this dump.”


Cats Now and Then

Funny Cats Now and Then 1990 2016 Picture
Funny Cats Now and Then 1990 2016 Picture - Ball of wool vs iPhone

The Rules of Bacon

The Rules of Bacon Picture
The Rules of Bacon
The Rules of Bacon

  1. There must always be bacon in the fridge. Always
  2. There does not exist a food that does not go well with bacon.
  3. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like bacon, and those who will be used as fodder in the case of a zombie apocalypse
  4. Even pigs like bacon. Fact.
  5. 90% of the world's problems can be solved by cooking more bacon.
  6. Crispy and chewy are both acceptable ways to cook bacon. Thou shalt not discriminate.
  7. Bacon presents exactly zero health risks. Shut up.
  8. If your computer is antiquated and slow, you can feed it bacon through the floppy drive to make it go faster.
  9. Meals without bacon are rarely worth eating.
  10. When given a breathalyzer, the number they give you is your BAC. This is short for "BACON", and is equal to the number of slices of bacon you should eat divided by 100.
  11. Thous shalt always consume bacon on the Sabbath, and the Mondath, and the Tuesdath, and the...
  12. Bacon gets you laid.

5 Deadly Terms Used By A Woman

Funny 5 Deadly Terms Used By A Woman List Joke Picture
Funny 5 Deadly Terms Used By A Woman List Joke Picture
FINE: This the the word a woman uses to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.

NOTHING: Means SOMETHING and you need to be worried.

GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it.

WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying screw you.

THAT'S OK: She is thinking long and hard about how and when you will pay for your mistake

BONUS WORD - WOW

This is not a compliment. She's amazed that one person could be so stupid.


Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

Funny Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say List Picture
Funny Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say List Picture


  1. Does this hunter's outfit make me look fat?
  2. Do you think he is prettier than me?
  3. My wife never listens to me
  4. I'll have the light vinaigrette salad and a diet soda.
  5. Why don't we go to the men's room and freshen up?
  6. No, I didn't see the game last night. I was watching QVC.
  7. Looks like it's time to by some NEW underwear.
  8. Okay, who left the toilet seat up?
  9. I'VE GOT MY FATHER'S THIGHS!
  10. The dog??? No, that was ME.

Put A Cat On It

Funny Your should have put a cat on it meme picture
If you liked it then you should have put a cat on it - funny cat woman cartoon meme picture

Alien Knitting Pun

Alien knitting woman train picture
Someone has knit problems

Chinese Bouncing Balls Gif

Gif Chinese Bouncing Balls
Funny Chinese Bouncing Balls Gif

Free Telescope Bargain

Funny Free Telescope Bargain Picture Joke - This page when rolled into a tube makes a telescope with 1-1 magnification

Eagle Hunter Cat

Funny Brave Eagle Hunter Cat Joke Picture
Funny Brave Eagle Hunter Cat Joke Picture

An Urgent Matter

Funny hotel marriage argument joke picture

"Good evening. Reception. How may I help you?"

"Hello, this is Mr Hatric in room 591.  You need to send someone immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she wants jump out the window."

"I'm sorry, Mr Hatric, but that's a personal matter."

"No, you don't understand.  The window won't open."

funny marriage joke

Load of White Sheet

A load of white sheet funny pun joke picture

"Someone!" roared the Alabama preacher to his congregation. "Someone has been spreading a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is an infamous lie, and one which the church of God cannot tolerate.  I demand that the person responsible stand up now and beg forgiveness from God and His Church."

No one moved, so he continued, "Do you not fear the Word of the Lord which says in Revelation 21:8 that liars will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur?"

Again all was quiet for a moment, until, slowly, a gorgeous blonde woman rose from the third pew.  Her head bowed, she spoke in a quivering voice, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a few of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Funny Ku Klux Klan Preacher Blonde Joke

Psychic Buying Clothes

Funny Psychic Buying Clothes Picture
Funny Psychic Buying Clothes Picture- I'm a medium

Pegasus Horse Tattoo Fail

Funny Pegasus Horse Tattoo Fail Picture
Funny Pegasus Horse Tattoo Fail

Average Asian Ageing Process

Funny Average Asian Ageing Process Picture
Funny Average Asian Ageing Process Picture