10 Hilarious Jewish Jokes

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Funny Jewish jokes
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate". He spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.
He beamed and said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, But it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."


~

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
 Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."   Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul,  "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
 Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

~

A Hassidic Jew in a big shtreimel (traditional fur hat) is stopped at customs by an agent at JFK airport and asked: "Taliban?"
"No!" the man replies immediately. "Teitelbaum."

~

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street with his tin cup.
"Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare three cents for a cup of coffee?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee for three cents?"
The beggar replied, "Who buys retail?"

~

Isaac lay on his deathbed, surrounded in the gloom by his family.
"Rachel," he croaked, "my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soul mate, the woman God created me to be with, are you here?"
"Yes, my wonderful husband. I'm here, just like I swore I would be all those years ago at our wedding."
The old man smiled, then said, "David, my eldest son, my firstborn, my little mensch. Are you here?"
"Yes Father, I'm here, right by your side."
The old man smiled, then said, "Isaac, my brilliant son, my pride and joy, are you here?"
"Yes Father, I got the first plane from New York and I'm here."
The old man smiled, then said, "Elijah, my heroic youngest son, who fights for our freedom in the military, are you here?"
"Yes Father, I got a leave of absence and I'm here."
The old man smiled, then said, "Sarah, my beautiful daughter, the light of my life, my little angel, are you here?"
"Yes abba, I'm here, we're all here, right by your side."
The old man nodded and was quiet for a moment.
"So who's watching the store?"

~

An elderly Jewish man sat down in the confessional of the Catholic church.
"What brings you here today, friend?" asked the priest, somewhat surprised to see a Jew in his confessional.
"After seventy years as a virgin, I made love all night long to two twenty year-olds."
"I understand," replied the priest, "and you tell me this because you seek absolution, even though you are a Jew?"
"Not at all," replied the old man.  "I'm telling everyone!"

~

"New York Times, Obituaries."
"Good morning, my name is Martha Bernstein.  I would like to place an obituary notice for my husband."
"Certainly, ma'am.  That will be $10 a word."
"$10 a word!?" grumbled the Jewish woman, hesitating.  "OK, so ... please write: Bernstein dies."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there is a minimum of 5 words for notices."
"Oy vey!" exclaimed the woman. "In that case, write: Bernstein dies, Buick For Sale."

~

An Arab sheikh was on his deathbed and the only thing that could save him was a blood transfusion.  However, he had a very rare blood type, and only after a long, intensive search was a donor is found: an old Jewish man who agreed to donate his blood in exchange for a reward.
The sheikh's life was saved and he gratefully gave the old man a luxury mansion.
Some time passed and the sheikh again fell ill with the same condition.  The old Jew donated his blood a second time, but this time only received a box of dates in exchange.
"But," he exclaimed to the sheikh, "last time you gave me a mansion!"
"Last time I had no Jewish blood in me."

~

Goldblatt was showing off. He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"A quarter of twelve," was the answer.

~

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Now listen here!


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