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World's Funniest Irish Jokes

Irish man - funny jokes

You have got to love the Irish, those inhabitants of the fair Emerald Isle: stunning red-haired women, feisty drink-loving men, a people of legend and gold.  The jokes below could have been told of any nation, but the natural charm of this wonderful people make it a delight to tell in this way.  I hope you enjoy them.

1. Hairy Ned's

 The 999 operator answered and Paddy shouted, "Get an ambulance here, at the double! Me mate Seamus is bleeding from his nose and ears.  He was hit by a car and I tink both his legs are broken too."

 "What is your location, sir?" asked the operator.

 "I'm outside Hairy Ned's bar.  Dat's on Eucalyptus Street," replied Paddy.

 "Sorry sir, I can't quite understand you," said the operator. "Could you spell the road name for me please?"

 The line went silent and the operator listened with increasing concern as she heard nothing but heavy breathing.  "Sir, are you still there?"

 Eventually Paddy replied, "Yes, sorry about dat... See I couldn't spell Eucalyptus Street, so I just dragged him round the corner to Oak Street."

2. Bus

 Paddy and Seamus staggered out of the pub.  As the buses had stopped running they started to walk home.  "I'm too drunk to walk, Seamus," moaned Paddy after a few minutes. "Why don't we take a bus from the depot?  It's just up here."  Before Seamus could answer, his friend had staggered off in the direction of the depot. An hour later he returned, but without a bus.  "I couldn't find the 228 bus, Seamus."

 "Ah, ye daft egit," said his friend. "We could've taken the 289 and hopped off at the bottom of our road!"

3. Do you know who I am?

 The phone rang at the motor pool.  Paddy answered it.  "Hello?"

 "How many operational vehicles do you have?" demanded an authoritative voice.

 Well," replied Paddy, scratching his head, "we've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars, oh, and dat Bentley de fat colonel swanks around in."

 The phone was silent for a few seconds, before the voice asked, "'Do you know whom you are addressing?''

 ''No,'' replied Paddy.

 "I am the so-called fat colonel you so insubordinately referred to."

 "So, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked Paddy

 "No!" shouted the colonel angrily.

 ''Well tank goodness for dat,'' said Paddy, and put the phone down.

4. Light Bulb Moment

 A factory foreman walked on to the factory floor to find Seamus hanging from the ceiling, with a group of workmen standing watching him.  "What on earth are you doing, man?" he shouted.

 "Seamus thinks he's a light bulb," said Paddy.

 "Well get down, dammit!" shouted the foreman.  "I think you'd better go home and get some rest."

 Seamus climbed down reluctantly and left.  The onlookers turned to follow him.

 "And where do you think you are going?" shouted the foreman.

 "Well now, we can't work in the dark, can we?" replied Paddy.

5. Parking

 Paddy circled the car park for the fifth time, cursing.  He was already late for his interview.  In desperation he offered a prayer: "Dear Lord Jesus.  I know I have done bad tings and all, and will probably do many more, but if you would be so kind as to give me a parking space so I don't miss me job interview, I would be ever so grateful. I promise I will start going to church every Sunday, like a good Catholic should. Amen. To be sure."

 Suddenly a car pulled out in front of him, freeing up a space.  Paddy chuckled. "Ah, never mind, Lord.  I got one already.  Tanks anyway."

6. Fishing

 Paddy and Seamus were fishing on the lake one fine day when they caught, not a fish, but  a lamp.  Hoping it was magic they decided to give it a rub.  The lamp emitted a thin wisp of smoke, followed by a limp pop and the appearance of a bedraggled little genie dressed in green. He looked at the two friends, and said, "Now look here, boys, dere'll be none of dat tree wishes rubbish here.  You'll have de one wish between yous, and dat's final."

 Before Seamus could say anything, Paddy shouted, "Oh, dat's easy.  We want all the water in the world to be beer." The genie flicked his fingers and disappeared, along with the lamp.

 Paddy leaped into the lake with a whoop, and started drinking excitedly. "It's beer, Seamus!" he shouted.

 Seamus shook his head.  "Ye daft egit. Now we'll have to pee in the boat."

 7. To be sure

 Paddy wobbled out of the pub and fell helplessly into the nearby gutter. An old woman looked on disdainfully, and said,  "You're drunk, young man!"

 Paddy looked up at her, squinting, and then giggled.  "Bejesus, woman, you scared me! I thought you might be de missus come back from Hell.  But, tell me, are you sure I'm drunk?"

 The woman snorted. "Of course you are!"

 "Oh thank the Lord," replied Paddy. "For a minute there I thought I might be a cripple."

8. Drinks for all

 Paddy staggered into a bar and shouted to the bartender. "Drinks for all, and one for yourself, good man."

 The bartender poured the drinks. "That'll be £36.50."

 Paddy shrugged and replied that he had no money. The furious bartender roughed him up a bit and threw him out of the pub.

 The next night Paddy was back and again ordered a round for the whole bar, including the bartender.  The bartender poured the drinks reluctantly, only to find that once again the Irishman did not have any money.  He slapped Paddy around the head a few times and kicked him out.

 The third night Paddy returned and squinted warily at the bartender before saying, "Drinks for all!"

 "What, no drink for me tonight, Paddy?" asked the bartender, smirking.

 "Oh, no," replied Paddy. "You get violent when you drink."

9. Grass dreams

 Paddy and Seamus were sitting on the pavement drinking Guinness when a truck passed with piles of turf on the back.

 "When I win the lottery," said Paddy. "I'm going to do that."

 "What, drive a truck?" asked Seamus.

 "No, don't be daft.  I mean send me lawn away to be mown."

10. Choices

 Paddy sat excitedly on the plane.

 "Would you like something to drink?" asked the air stewardess as she passed with a trolley.

 "I'll have a whiskey, tanks," replied Paddy. "No ice."

 The stewardess poured his drink before turning to the man next to Paddy who wore a turban.  "Anything for you, sir?"

 "I'd rather be taken by a dozen brazen women than let liquor touch my lips!" replied the man, scowling.

 Paddy looked at the man, stunned, but then handed his drink back to the stewardess. "Me too, ma'am. I didn't know dat was an option."

11. Elephants

 Paddy sat down with a sigh.

 "What'll it be, Paddy?" asked the bartender.

 "I'll have a double whiskey, Ned.  Actually, just leave the bottle,"

 "Missus troubles again, Paddy?"

 Paddy nodded. "Women. You just can't win. You tell them they are beautiful a hundred times and they don't believe you, but you tell them once they're fat and they remember it the rest of their lives, because elephants never forget."

12 Speeding

 "Do you know what your speed was?" asked the traffic policeman as Paddy rolled down his window. Paddy shook his head.

 "120 mph, sir.  What was the big hurry, if I might ask?"

 "Oh, I was going to a lecture," replied Paddy.

 "A lecture?? Who on earth is giving a lecture this time of the night?" asked the policeman.

 "My wife."

14. The Game

 The man nudged Paddy.  "Hey, how come that seat next to you is empty then?  Tickets for this game have been sold out for months!"

 "Well," replied Paddy. "It was meant for me wife, but she passed away."

 "Oh I'm really sorry to hear that," replied the man, "but, um, couldn't you get a friend or relative to come with you?"

 "Nah," replied Paddy.  "They're all at the funeral."

14. Drinking like a Man

 Paddy walked into the bar and ordered 3 vodkas.

 "Bad day?" asked the bartender.

 Paddy nodded.  "We just found out my older brother is gay. Father was furious!"

 The bartender nodded sympathetically and poured the drinks.  Paddy downed them and left.

 The next evening he was back and ordered 3 more vodkas.

 "What now?" asked the bartender.

 "My younger brother came out the closet too."

 The bartender sighed and poured the drinks.  Paddy downed them in quick succession and left.

 The next evening he was back, shouting, "3 vodkas!"

 The bartender hurried over and said, "Grief, man, doesn't anyone in your family like women??"

 Paddy replied, scowling, "Yes... me wife."

15. Choices

 Paddy took his missus to the disco one night, and they watched as a man showed off his dance skills in the middle of the dance floor: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

 Paddy's wife turned to him and said, "See him?  That's Seamus.  Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me, and idiot that I was, I turned him down."

 Paddy shrugged.  "Looks like he's still celebrating."