Funny jokes, insults, puns, pictures, memes, cartoons and gifs.

Guest Joker - Chris Dyson

comedian joke picture

Someone threw a giant bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. I’m fine, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
The Milky Bar kid has got into trouble for advertising a rival chocolate bar. Apparently they’ve put a massive Bounty on his head.
I went to a funeral who was killed when he was hit by a tennis ball. It was a wonderful service.
I had a Thai massage at the weekend. Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I just keep thinking: “Don’t get a hard-on. Don’t get a hard-on”. 

But of course she did.

A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room. 

“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims. 

 “This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“ 

 “Your light was on,” says the man.


At a Halloween party...
Man: What have you come as?
Woman: A harp.
Man: You’re too small to be a harp.
Woman: Are you calling me a lyre?
Interviewer:   What would you say was your greatest strength?
Job Applicant: Well, I can perform under pressure.
Interviewer:  Can you give an example?
Applicant:  Oh, umm...
  Dum dum dum de de dum dum
  Dum dum dum de de dum dum
  PRESSURE! Pushing down me,
  Pushing down on you...
King: “How many men have volunteered for my army?”
General: “380, my liege”
King: “OK, round them up”
General: “400, my liege”
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I want us to split up.”
Boyfriend: “Great idea. That way we can cover twice as much ground.”
Buildings Inspector: “So what are you going to call this place?”
Darth Vader: “The Death...”
Buildings Inspector looks up from clipboard
Darth Vader: “...uhhhh The Health Star.”
A duck books into a hotel. He goes up to reception and says, "I'm feeling lucky, love. Have you got any condoms?"

"Yes we have,"  replies the receptionist. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Well, if you're feeling kinky," the duck says.
My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding, we should have just hired a photographer.
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

A: Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.
Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obviously wrong with either of you. But Mary, I think you might be overheating in the act. I suggest you purchase a fan and use that when you go to bed.”

Paddy, being a careful sort, doesn’t want to splash out on a new fan so he rings his best pal Tommy and asks Tommy if he’ll flap a towel over Paddy and Mary as they make love.  That evening Tommy comes round and waves a towel over the couple as they go at it. Two hours later, there’s still no difference, Mary is still unsatisfied.

“Paddy, I tell you what,” suggests Mary, “Why don’t you swap places with Tommy? You can flap the towel and Tommy and I can try the love making.”

Desperate, Paddy agrees. Within 5 minutes of Mary and Tommy making vigorous love Mary reaches a thunderous climax, and then again. And then again. Finally after an hour they both collapse on the bed, exhausted.”

“That, Tommy”, Paddy announces, “is how you flap a bloody towel!”

Woman: My gynaecologist says I can’t have sex for 2 weeks.
Man: What does your dentist say?
A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp. The shop assistant tells him they’re very sorry, but they don’t sell wasps. “Well there’s one in your window” the man replies.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m alright naaaaaaoooooooooowwwwwww!
A man goes to the see his doctor. “Please,” he says. “I’m completely obsessed with ladies breasts. I can’t concentrate on anything, it’s just breasts, breasts, breasts all day. It’s ruining my life!”
“I’m not sure I can help you”, the doctor replies, “but I can recommend a psychiatrist.”
“Why? Has she got big knockers?”
An old couple walk past a restaurant. The wife breathes in the wonderful aroma of the food being cooked and exclaims
“Oh my, the food in that restaurant smells absolutely delicious!”
“What the hell, I’ll treat her for once”, thinks the old man.
So they walked past it again. 
We went out for an excellent curry the other night. I had a Chicken Tarka.
It’s like a Chicken Tikka but just a little otter.
Two retired couples on holiday are discussing the local cuisine.
“We went to a wonderful fish restaurant last night”, says one of the ladies, “The Guilded Tuna it was called. The seafood salad was to die for.”
Not to be outdone, the husband in the other couple replies
“Well we went to a very nice restaurant too.”
“Oh really? What was it called?” the lady asks.
“Oh I can’t remember!” the man says, his brow furrowed and face creased in concentration.
“Oh blast! What was it called??? Erm, what do you call those flowers?”
“Pansies? Poppies?” the woman suggests
“No, no, no”, he says, frustrated, “they have lots of varieties and thorns”
“Rose?” the woman asks.
“That’s it!” he exclaims, and turns to his wife.
“Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to last night?”
Q: Why can’t dogs dance?
A:  Two left feet
A man feels unwell and goes see the doctor. The doctor gives him an examination and tells him, “I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like?”
“Well I suppose we should get the bad news out of the way. What is it?” asks the man.
“I’m afraid you’ve got an extremely aggressive form of cancer. I can’t give you more than 3 weeks to live,” the doctor explains.
The man is understandably distraught, “Oh My God!” he exclaims. “What could the good news possibly be?”
“Did you see that nurse in reception?” the doctor replies. “I finally managed to get her in the sack last night.”
A Catholic Arsenal fan goes on a trip to Rome, one of his lifetime ambitions, in the hope of seeing the Pope. He knows the Pope is a football fan so he thinks, I know, I’ll wear my Arsenal shirt and if he sees me he’s bound to acknowledge me.

The next day he’s in St Peter’s Square and the Pope’s promenade is slowly making it’s way through the crowd of people. The Arsenal fan jumps up and down and shouts “Your Holiness! Your Holiness!”, the Pope mobile just drives past. The car then stops and the Pope gestures to a young man in a Spurs shirt, who is also in the crowd, to go and speak to him. Disconsolate, the gunner heads back to his hotel, determined to try again the next day.

So the following day he is again the square to see the Pope parade through, he again jumps up and down and once again is ignored. The boy in the Spurs shirt is also there again, and once again the Pope gets the entourage to stop and beckons the boy over.

The Arsenal fan returns to his hotel disappointed. Desperate to speak to the Pope, he makes the ultimate sacrifice and finds a sports clothing shop and buys himself a Spurs top.

The next day he is the square again, shamefully wearing his Spurs shirt. The Pope spots him and beckons him over to his car. The fan pushes his way through the crowd. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It worked! I’m going to speak to the Pope!!!” he thinks as gets to the Pope’s car. The Pope gestures to him to come right up to the car, bending down he bellows in his ear...

“Look, I’ve already told you twice! Get Lost!”
Mr Squid, not feeling very well, decides to spend a day indoors resting. There’s a knock on the door, he opens the door and there’s Mr Shark.
“Hello Mr Squid, do you fancy coming out for a game of pool?” asks Mr Shark.
“Sorry Mr Shark, I really don’t feel very well”, Mr Squid replies.
“Tell you what, hop on my back and I’ll take you to the Doctors.” suggests Mr Shark.
Thinking this is a great idea, Mr Squid jumps up onto Mr Sharks back and they set off.
Soon they come by Mr Whale. Mr Shark flips his tale, throwing Mr Squid off his back who lands square in front of Mr Whale.
“Mr Whale”, Mr Shark announces, “Here’s that sick squid I owe you.”
Did you hear about the Irish water skier who had to retire because he couldn’t find a sloping lake?
 I bought a new jumper last week and I kept getting electric shocks due to the static build-up in it. Anyway, I took it back to the shop and they gave me a new one, free of charge.
Funny short jokes by Chris Dyson