- What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste.
- What is the best thing about Alzheimer's? -- You meet new people every day.
- What do you call a ballerina with one leg? -- A one-one.
- Why was time out called at the leper hockey game? -- There was a face-off in the corner.
- A cannibal passed his ex in the woods.
- Why do they call it PMS? -- Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
- Why do nurses give Viagra to elderly male patients? -- To stop them rolling out of bed.
- How do you get a one-armed man out of the tree? -- Wave at him.
- What do you call a man at the door with no arms or legs? -- Matt.
- What do you call a man on your wall with no arms or legs? -- Art.
- What do you call a man floating in your pool with no arms or legs? -- Bob.
- What do you call a man swimming lengths in your pool with no arms or legs? -- Clever Dick
- What do you call a man in a pile of leaves with no arms or legs? -- Russell.
- What do you call a man in a flower port with no arms or legs? -- Pete.
- What do you call a man whose legs are cut off at the knees? -- Neil.
- What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs? -- Grassiass.
- Why don't blind people go sky diving? -- It scares the crap out of the dogs.
- How to you get a fat woman to sleep with you? -- Piece of cake.
- Beware budget circumcisions - they're a complete rip-off.
- What do you call a man having an epileptic fit in a lettuce patch? -- Seizure salad.
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