Advice For Life

Funny advice picture

  • Don't test animals - they get all nervous and give wrong answers.
  • You don't need a parachute to skydive: you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • Avoid clich├ęs like the plague.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Nonconformists are all alike.
  • It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him.
  • It's bad luck to be superstitious.
  • Never buy a car you can't push.
  • Nobody's ugly after 2am.
  • A friend in need is a pest.
  • Work is for poor people.
  • Everything is beautiful if you squint a bit.
  • Never play strip poker with a nudist.
  • If you can remain calm, you may not have all the facts.
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it makes sadness much more bearable.
  • Condoms are easier to change than nappies.
  • Be nice to your kids - they get to choose your nursing home.
  • All generalisations are false.
  • If everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane.
  • The best way to change someone's mind is with a machete.
  • An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • The best way to serve cabbage is to someone else.
  • Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
  • A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  • Sleep until noon to avoid hating yourself in the morning.
  • You're never alone if you have schizophrenia.
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • Never test the depth of water with both feet.
  • Never argue with the man who is packing your parachute.
  • Don't take life to seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • Sometimes the best hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many, but if you think about it: so is monogamy.
  • The world's full of apathy, but so what?
  • Always use tasteful words - you may have to eat them.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.