My Favourite Puns

funny pun collection picture

  • Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
  • A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
  • Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
  • Someone stole all the police station toilets - the police have nothing to go on.
  • My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
  • I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.
  • Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
  • I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.
  • What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
  • Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
  • I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
  • Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. 
  • Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  • Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
  • I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
  • Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
  • I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.
  • Last week I called someone a watering hole but I meant well.