Funny jokes, insults, pictures, memes, cartoons and gifs.

Run Evacuation Plan Sign

Evacuation Plan: Run
Funny Run Evacuation Plan Sign

Old Man Memory Failure Cartoon

Now... am I going upstairs for something or have I just come down
Now... am I going upstairs for something or have I just come down?  Funny old man cartoon

Favourite One-Liners

funny one-liner joke picture

Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?

There is no "i" in denial.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

A dyslexic person walks into a bra...

I wondered what the thing flying towards me was, and then it hit me.

I used to breed dogs until I found out that they can do that themselves.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

God said unto Abraham "Come forth and be granted eternal life", but Abraham came fifth and won a toaster.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

(source: reddit.com)

Favourite Toasts

Funny toast picture

Eat, drink and be merry - for tomorrow we diet.

To bread - for without bread there would be no toast.

Here's to us, my good, fat friends,
to bless the things we eat;
For it has been a full many a year
since we have seen our feet.

May your cognac ever be older than your mistress.

Another candle on your cake -
well, that's no need to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
to blow the damn thing out!

To our best friends, who know the worst about us but refuse to believe it.

To our dear departed, that the devil might not hear of his death till he's safe inside the walls of heaven.

May you live to be as old as your jokes.

Here's to the man who's decided to take a wife - but hasn't yet decided whose.

To marriage - the last decision a man is allowed to make.

To our wives and sweethearts. May they never meet...

How To Fold A Fitted Sheet

Funny How To Fold A Fitted Sheet Meme Picture
Funny How To Fold A Fitted Sheet Meme Picture

Navy Retirement Bonus Joke

Funny Navy Retirement Bonus Joke Picture
Funny Navy Retirement Bonus Joke Picture

A Snail's Pace

Funny Super Snail Animated Image


My missus asked me to buy snails for our dinner party, which I did, but then I bumped into my old friend Joe and we decided to have a quick pint together. One drink led to another, and I eventually staggered home well after midnight, very drunk indeed. While fumbling for the front door keys I accidentally dropped the box of snails and watched with dismay as it burst open, scattering snails everywhere.

"Goddammit!" I shouted.

The porch light went on and the front door opened to reveal my beautiful, but very angry, wife.

"Where the hell have you been?!" she shouted.

I looked at her, terrified, and then down at the snails and said, "Come on guys! We're nearly there!"

Funny Super Snail Animated Gif Picture

Joe Lean

Funny Joe Lean Joe Lean Meme
My name is Joe. For the last few days, my wife has been asking me to lean against things.  When I asked the reason she would simply say, "You're gonna love it." Today, I found out what she was up to.

Christmas Truth Sign

You know that when a gift says "with love from Mum and Dad", Dad has absolutely no idea what's inside
You know that when a gift says "with love from Mum and Dad", Dad has absolutely no idea what's inside - funny sign

Are You Koalafied?

Are You Koalafied?
Kevin: "Hey Jeff, are you koalafied to be a cameraman?"  Jeff: "My career is not a joke, Kevin."

#NoFilter

#NoFilter
Funny #filter vs #nofilter photo

Gatwick Drone Attack

Got some decent photos of Gatwick today. They must be shut for Christmas though, not much taking off or landing
Got some decent photos of Gatwick today. They must be shut for Christmas though, not much taking off or landing

Phone Booth

Funny Joke - Phone Booth
So we decided to see how many people we could fit into a telephone booth - it was Jay's idea, no surprises there; bloody lunatic is going to kill himself one day trying to see if death is bad as they say. It wasn't so much that we wanted to break any records, more an excuse to get drunk afterwards and get up close to the girls without being slapped.

We decided that the largest people should go in first, something Anna was not too pleased about – she describes herself as buxom, which while true, is only part of a much bigger truth. Getting the first ten in was amusing enough, and apart from a few protests from the girls at being groped, it all went pretty well; the rest however were more trouble and by the time I clambered to the top and squeezed into the last available space, tempers were pretty high.

“Where's the feckin' photographer?” swore Jim, “I'm dying here.”

“I'll call and see where he is,” said Juliette, “Anyone got 20p?”
Funny Joke Story - Phone Booth


All Bearded Up

What bearded men look like when they look up
Funny Bearded Up Picture Collection - What bearded men look like when they look up

Dark Humour

Funny Dark Humour Picture
The girl you like, her father, her brother, her ex, her crush, you - funny blind man dark humour

Mass Confusion Pun

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.  There would be mass confusion
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.  There would be mass confusion | funny dog pun meme

Brown Paper Jake Joke


funny cowboy cartoon joke picture
A sheriff walked into a bar and said, "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?  He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket."

The bartender said, "What's he wanted for?"

"Rustlin'."


Kids Restaurant Menu

Funny Kids Restaurant Menu Picture
Funny Kids Restaurant Menu Picture

I don't know - Sausage beans and chips
I'm not hungry - Two slices of pancakes with nutella and bananas
I don't care - Spaghetti with meatball
I don't want that- Burger and chips
Whatever - Grilled chicken cubes with chips

Do You Like Umlauts?

Funny Do You Like Umlauts Picture
German speakers: Do you like umlauts? Me: No

Blind Man Shopping

Funny Blind Man Joke

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again. 

But then out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem ... something I can help you with?" 

The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."


Funny Blind Man Joke


Thirteen! Thirteen!

Funny Joke - Lunatic Asylum
A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.

He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Noah's Ark


Rain, rain, endless rain, water dripping everywhere, forming great puddles which threatened to swamp unsuspecting footwear. I ran along the cobblestoned street, jumping here and there to avoid the water but could not avoid getting soaked to the skin. Finally, I reached my destination: a boat of immense size made from finest gopher wood, standing tall against the deluge. I was not too late - the last of the animals were walking up the gangplank - and strode confidently past them to the old man standing in the doorway.

He looked up from his register and raised enquiring eyebrows at me - I must have looked a sorry, bedraggled sight, but raised a brave, hopeful smile and handed him my business card: 'Arkjoy Pty Ltd'.  He looked at the card dubiously, turning it over once or twice, before shouting over his shoulder, "Rebekah! Please tell me you didn't order an entertainer for this trip!?"

 Funny Noah's Ark Cartoon Joke - We're well prepared for the Mayan apocalypse





Old Man Police Lecture Joke

Funny Old Man Police Joke

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."



Funny Old Man Police Lecture Joke

Lingerie Fail

funny joke lingerie
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.


(Funny Joke - Lingerie)

Clever Parrot Joke



A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"


Funny Clever Parrot Joke

My Magical Family Joke

I can't believe he brought her

I put down my espresso, and began: "My father was the celebrated magician, Alessandro Cagliostri. We didn't see much of him, our family - he travelled a lot, you see - but when he returned..." A lump formed in my throat, and for a moment I could not speak. "Uhm, when he returned, then it was like he had never left. We'd huddle around him all night long, while he showed us card tricks - much to the annoyance of my dear, long-suffering mother."

"Did he ever show you his world-famous sawing-in-half trick?" asked the writer.

I smiled, "Oh yes! He was always trying to improve it, you know, and experimented on us often, trying to get it as realistic as possible."

"And what about your family? You had two brothers I believe?"

"Half-brothers."

Library Hamburger Joke


A man walks up to a librarian at the main desk of the local library, and says in a loud, commanding voice, "I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an order of fries!"

The librarian looks up at him, and replies icily,  "Sir, you may not have noticed, but this is a library."

The man hesitates, but then leans over and whispers in her ear, "I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an order of fries."
Funny Library Hamburger Joke Cartoon Picture


Confessional Joke

funny confessional joke picture

Paddy went into confessional and told the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with loose women."

"Oh dear, Padraig" replied the priest. Who was it? Was it Mary O'Malley?"

"No, Father," said Paddy.

"Was it Niamh O'Farrell?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Sheila Byrne?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Angela O'Flaherty?"

"No, Father."

"Then was it Siobhan McKenna?"

"No, Father."

A few moments later, Paddy emerged from the confessional box and met his friend Seamus.

"What did you get?" whispered Seamus.

"Four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and five good leads."

Sleeping Over

Funny little boy joke photo

A man was spending a night at the home of a family with which he was good friends. As there was little space in the house, he was asked to share a bed with the youngest son. He was just getting settled in bed, when suddenly the young lad jumped out of bed and kneeled down next to it. The man thought, he's saying his bedtime prayers, and thinking it best to be a good example, got out of bed on his side to do the same.

The lad looked curiously at him and said: "What are you doing?"

"Same as you," the man replied.

"Better not", said the boy, "or Mom will be very cross with you - there isn't a potty on that side." Funny Story - Visiting

Interested in Time Travel?

Interested in Time Travel? Meet Here Last Thursday 7pm
Interested in Time Travel? Meet Here Last Thursday 7pm

You're Not Ugly, Just Poor

Funny You're Not Ugly, Just Poor Meme Picture
Funny You're Not Ugly, Just Poor Meme Picture

Grammar Nazi Hunters

Funny Grammar Nazi Hunters Cartoon Picture
Funny Grammar Nazi Hunters Cartoon

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“To.”
“To who?”
“Actually, it’s to whom.”

Animal Mums

Funny Animal Mums Picture Collection
Funny Animal Mums Picture Collection

Photoshop Doctor

Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with Photoshop
Photoshop doctor - Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with Photoshop

4 Moods of Girls

4 Moods of Girls funny picture
4 Moods of Girls funny picture

How To Keep The Cat Downstairs

Funny How To Keep The Cat Downstairs Picture
Funny How To Keep The Cat Downstairs Meme Picture

All I Want For Christmas

cute baby boy picture

A father asked his young daughter what she would like for Christmas.  She said that all she wanted was a baby brother.  And it so happened that Christmas Eve her mother came home from hospital bearing a baby boy.

The next year, the father again asked his daughter what she wanted for Christmas.

"Well," she replied, "if Mummy doesn't mind too much, I'd like a pony."

Interesting Body Facts

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair an hold 3kg. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb... A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb

Brief History of US Presidents

Funny A brief history of 45 presidents of United States picture
Funny A brief history of 45 presidents of United States picture

Homeopathic Killer Cartoon

Funny Homeopathic Killer Cartoon Picture
Look at this: Acupuncture, aromatherapy, herbal tea. We could be dealing with a homeopathic killer.  Funny cartoon picture

Putting It In Joke

Funny irish affair catholic priest confession joke picture

"Ah, Father," said Paddy. "I've done a terrible thing.  I almost had an affair with Mrs O'Connell."

"What do you mean 'almost'?" asked the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and kinda rubbed together, if you know what I mean, but then we stopped, honest to God."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in, Paddy. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box where he paused for a moment before turning to leave.  The priest, who had been watching, ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the box!"

Paddy replied, "Ah, but Father, I rubbed the £50 on the box and that, according to you, is the same as putting it in."
 Funny irish affair catholic priest confession joke picture



Migraine?

Migraine Superglue
Migraine Superglue funny meme

Silent Death Joke

Funny old couple fart church joke photo

The old man and his wife sat quietly at the back of the church, watching the funeral procession walk slowly down the aisle.  Suddenly the old man scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it to his wife: "Sorry, I've just let out a silent fart. It must be the curry we had last night."

His wife patted his hand and replied, "I think your hearing aid needs new batteries again."
 Funny old couple fart joke

Guest Joker - Chris Dyson

comedian joke picture



I had a Thai massage at the weekend. Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I just keep thinking: “Don’t get a hard-on. Don’t get a hard-on”. 

But of course she did.
~

A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room. 

“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims. 

 “This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“ 

 “Your light was on,” says the man.

~

At a Halloween party...
Man: What have you come as?
Woman: A harp.
Man: You’re too small to be a harp.
Woman: Are you calling me a lyre?
~
Interviewer:   What would you say was your greatest strength?
Job Applicant: Well, I can perform under pressure.
Interviewer:  Can you give an example?
Applicant:  Oh, umm...
  Dum dum dum de de dum dum
  Dum dum dum de de dum dum
  PRESSURE! Pushing down me,
  Pushing down on you...
~
King: “How many men have volunteered for my army?”
General: “380, my liege”
King: “OK, round them up”
General: “400, my liege”
 ~
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I want us to split up.”
Boyfriend: “Great idea. That way we can cover twice as much ground.”
 ~
Buildings Inspector: “So what are you going to call this place?”
Darth Vader: “The Death...”
Buildings Inspector looks up from clipboard
Darth Vader: “...uhhhh The Health Star.”
~
A duck books into a hotel. He goes up to reception and says, "I'm feeling lucky, love. Have you got any condoms?"

"Yes we have,"  replies the receptionist. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Well, if you're feeling kinky," the duck says.
~
My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding, we should have just hired a photographer.
~
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

A: Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.
~
Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obviously wrong with either of you. But Mary, I think you might be overheating in the act. I suggest you purchase a fan and use that when you go to bed.”

Paddy, being a careful sort, doesn’t want to splash out on a new fan so he rings his best pal Tommy and asks Tommy if he’ll flap a towel over Paddy and Mary as they make love.  That evening Tommy comes round and waves a towel over the couple as they go at it. Two hours later, there’s still no difference, Mary is still unsatisfied.

“Paddy, I tell you what,” suggests Mary, “Why don’t you swap places with Tommy? You can flap the towel and Tommy and I can try the love making.”

Desperate, Paddy agrees. Within 5 minutes of Mary and Tommy making vigorous love Mary reaches a thunderous climax, and then again. And then again. Finally after an hour they both collapse on the bed, exhausted.”

“That, Tommy”, Paddy announces, “is how you flap a bloody towel!”

Fake News - First Woman On The Moon

funny lunar woman moon landing joke picture

Classified NASA papers leaked today revealed the shocking news that the first man on the moon was in fact a woman called Nelly Armstrung.  NASA was reluctant to comment, but strongly denied that Nelly and Buzz Aldrin were locked out of the Lunar Module for several hours because she forgot the keys inside.

funny lunar landing moon woman fake news joke

Philosophy Doctor Joke

Any doctor here? I'm a doctor in philosophy
Any doctor here?  I'm a doctor, what's going on? A heart attack.  I'm a doctor in philosophy. He is going to die.  We are all going to die.

Bloody Bank Account Joke

Funny bank pen chain quote picture
A man walked into a bank and said to the female teller: "I want to open a bloody account!"

"I'm sorry, sir," replied the teller, "but I am afraid we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."  She left her window and reported the customer's behaviour to the manager.  The manager returned to confront the man.

"Now what seems to be the problem?" asked the bank manager.

"There's no damn problem," said the man. "I just won a £20 million in the lottery and I want to open a bloody account in this damn bank."

"I see," said the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"


I don't understand banks... Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with money, you should trust me with your pens.

Life After Death Joke

Funny life after death cartoon joke picture

"Do you believe in life after death?" the company boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir."

"That's good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she called in to see you."



Funny life after death cartoon joke picture

Eve First Joke

Funny Adam Eve Eden Joke Picture - Um, Eve, that's not a salad, that's my dirty laundry Joke Image

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

 Funny Adam Eve Eden Jokes - Um, Eve, that's not a salad, that's my dirty laundry