Funny Run Evacuation Plan Sign
Old Man Memory Failure Cartoon
Now... am I going upstairs for something or have I just come down? Funny old man cartoon
Favourite One-Liners
Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?
There is no "i" in denial.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A dyslexic person walks into a bra...
I wondered what the thing flying towards me was, and then it hit me.
I used to breed dogs until I found out that they can do that themselves.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
God said unto Abraham "Come forth and be granted eternal life", but Abraham came fifth and won a toaster.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
(source: reddit.com)
Favourite Toasts
To bread - for without bread there would be no toast.
Here's to us, my good, fat friends,
to bless the things we eat;
For it has been a full many a year
since we have seen our feet.
May your cognac ever be older than your mistress.
Another candle on your cake -
well, that's no need to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
to blow the damn thing out!
To our best friends, who know the worst about us but refuse to believe it.
To our dear departed, that the devil might not hear of his death till he's safe inside the walls of heaven.
May you live to be as old as your jokes.
Here's to the man who's decided to take a wife - but hasn't yet decided whose.
To marriage - the last decision a man is allowed to make.
To our wives and sweethearts. May they never meet...
A Snail's Pace
My missus asked me to buy snails for our dinner party, which I did, but then I bumped into my old friend Joe and we decided to have a quick pint together. One drink led to another, and I eventually staggered home well after midnight, very drunk indeed. While fumbling for the front door keys I accidentally dropped the box of snails and watched with dismay as it burst open, scattering snails everywhere.
"Goddammit!" I shouted.
The porch light went on and the front door opened to reveal my beautiful, but very angry, wife.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she shouted.
I looked at her, terrified, and then down at the snails and said, "Come on guys! We're nearly there!"
Funny Super Snail Animated Gif Picture
Christmas Truth Sign
You know that when a gift says "with love from Mum and Dad", Dad has absolutely no idea what's inside - funny sign
Are You Koalafied?
Kevin: "Hey Jeff, are you koalafied to be a cameraman?" Jeff: "My career is not a joke, Kevin."
Gatwick Drone Attack
Got some decent photos of Gatwick today. They must be shut for Christmas though, not much taking off or landing
Phone Booth
So we decided to see how many people we could fit into a telephone booth - it was Jay's idea, no surprises there; bloody lunatic is going to kill himself one day trying to see if death is bad as they say. It wasn't so much that we wanted to break any records, more an excuse to get drunk afterwards and get up close to the girls without being slapped.
We decided that the largest people should go in first, something Anna was not too pleased about – she describes herself as buxom, which while true, is only part of a much bigger truth. Getting the first ten in was amusing enough, and apart from a few protests from the girls at being groped, it all went pretty well; the rest however were more trouble and by the time I clambered to the top and squeezed into the last available space, tempers were pretty high.
“Where's the feckin' photographer?” swore Jim, “I'm dying here.”
“I'll call and see where he is,” said Juliette, “Anyone got 20p?”
Funny Joke Story - Phone Booth
Dark Humour
The girl you like, her father, her brother, her ex, her crush, you - funny blind man dark humour
Mass Confusion Pun
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion | funny dog pun meme
Brown Paper Jake Joke
The bartender said, "What's he wanted for?"
"Rustlin'."
Kids Restaurant Menu
Funny Kids Restaurant Menu Picture
I don't know - Sausage beans and chips
I'm not hungry - Two slices of pancakes with nutella and bananas
I don't care - Spaghetti with meatball
I don't want that- Burger and chips
Whatever - Grilled chicken cubes with chips
Blind Man Shopping
But then out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem ... something I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."
Funny Blind Man Joke
Thirteen! Thirteen!
A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.
He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Noah's Ark
He looked up from his register and raised enquiring eyebrows at me - I must have looked a sorry, bedraggled sight, but raised a brave, hopeful smile and handed him my business card: 'Arkjoy Pty Ltd'. He looked at the card dubiously, turning it over once or twice, before shouting over his shoulder, "Rebekah! Please tell me you didn't order an entertainer for this trip!?"
Funny Noah's Ark Cartoon Joke - We're well prepared for the Mayan apocalypse
Old Man Police Lecture Joke
An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Funny Old Man Police Lecture Joke
Lingerie Fail
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
(Funny Joke - Lingerie)
Clever Parrot Joke
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Funny Clever Parrot Joke
My Magical Family Joke
I put down my espresso, and began: "My father was the celebrated magician, Alessandro Cagliostri. We didn't see much of him, our family - he travelled a lot, you see - but when he returned..." A lump formed in my throat, and for a moment I could not speak. "Uhm, when he returned, then it was like he had never left. We'd huddle around him all night long, while he showed us card tricks - much to the annoyance of my dear, long-suffering mother."
"Did he ever show you his world-famous sawing-in-half trick?" asked the writer.
I smiled, "Oh yes! He was always trying to improve it, you know, and experimented on us often, trying to get it as realistic as possible."
"And what about your family? You had two brothers I believe?"
"Half-brothers."
Library Hamburger Joke
The librarian looks up at him, and replies icily, "Sir, you may not have noticed, but this is a library."
The man hesitates, but then leans over and whispers in her ear, "I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an order of fries."
Funny Library Hamburger Joke Cartoon Picture
Confessional Joke
"Oh dear, Padraig" replied the priest. Who was it? Was it Mary O'Malley?"
"No, Father," said Paddy.
"Was it Niamh O'Farrell?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Sheila Byrne?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Angela O'Flaherty?"
"No, Father."
"Then was it Siobhan McKenna?"
"No, Father."
A few moments later, Paddy emerged from the confessional box and met his friend Seamus.
"What did you get?" whispered Seamus.
"Four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and five good leads."
Sleeping Over
A man was spending a night at the home of a family with which he was good friends. As there was little space in the house, he was asked to share a bed with the youngest son. He was just getting settled in bed, when suddenly the young lad jumped out of bed and kneeled down next to it. The man thought, he's saying his bedtime prayers, and thinking it best to be a good example, got out of bed on his side to do the same.
The lad looked curiously at him and said: "What are you doing?"
"Same as you," the man replied.
"Better not", said the boy, "or Mom will be very cross with you - there isn't a potty on that side." Funny Story - Visiting
Grammar Nazi Hunters
Funny Grammar Nazi Hunters Cartoon
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“To.”
“To who?”
“Actually, it’s to whom.”
All I Want For Christmas
The next year, the father again asked his daughter what she wanted for Christmas.
"Well," she replied, "if Mummy doesn't mind too much, I'd like a pony."
Interesting Body Facts
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair an hold 3kg. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb... A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb
Homeopathic Killer Cartoon
Look at this: Acupuncture, aromatherapy, herbal tea. We could be dealing with a homeopathic killer. Funny cartoon picture
Putting It In Joke
"What do you mean 'almost'?" asked the priest.
"Well, we got undressed and kinda rubbed together, if you know what I mean, but then we stopped, honest to God."
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in, Paddy. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box where he paused for a moment before turning to leave. The priest, who had been watching, ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the box!"
Paddy replied, "Ah, but Father, I rubbed the £50 on the box and that, according to you, is the same as putting it in."
Funny irish affair catholic priest confession joke picture
Silent Death Joke
His wife patted his hand and replied, "I think your hearing aid needs new batteries again."
Funny old couple fart joke
Fake News - First Woman On The Moon
funny lunar landing moon woman fake news joke
Philosophy Doctor Joke
Any doctor here? I'm a doctor, what's going on? A heart attack. I'm a doctor in philosophy. He is going to die. We are all going to die.
Bloody Bank Account Joke
A man walked into a bank and said to the female teller: "I want to open a bloody account!"
"I'm sorry, sir," replied the teller, "but I am afraid we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." She left her window and reported the customer's behaviour to the manager. The manager returned to confront the man.
"Now what seems to be the problem?" asked the bank manager.
"There's no damn problem," said the man. "I just won a £20 million in the lottery and I want to open a bloody account in this damn bank."
"I see," said the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
I don't understand banks... Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with money, you should trust me with your pens.
Life After Death Joke
"Do you believe in life after death?" the company boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir."
"That's good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she called in to see you."
Funny life after death cartoon joke picture
Eve First Joke
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
Funny Adam Eve Eden Jokes - Um, Eve, that's not a salad, that's my dirty laundryThree Beer Cowboy Joke
This goes on for a few weeks until the bartender says, "You know, beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers: one is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So, I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way, but one day, he comes in and only orders two beers. The room falls silent, but eventually the bartender says, "Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, but then he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "I've given up drinking."
Funny Cowboy Claret Beans Joke Cartoon - I ain't particular, but are you sure a '71 claret is the right choice for these here beans?
