- I have a few jokes about my unemployed friends, but unfortunately, none of them works.
- I hate peer pressure and you should too.
- When you dream in colour, is it a pigment of your imagination?
- Work at a funeral parlour is a serious undertaking.
- Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today and now it just goes from bad to worse.
- Much like a guillotine operator, I'm just trying to get a head in life.
- You know whats really awesome punctuation
- Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.
- I don't trust people that do acupuncture because they're back stabbers.
- My idea of resistance training is refusing to go to the gym.
- I thought thermostat wars were a given in relationships until I met this really hot woman.
- It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.
- In order to build a rope factory, first you have to pull a few strings.
- A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas -- those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
- Pancake Day really creped up on us this year!
- At last, I found out the last digit of Pi, it's i!
- Are doughnuts made out of hole wheat?
- I haven’t owned a watch in who knows how long.
- I built an electric fence around my property yesterday and my neighbour is dead against it.
- I used to be a narcissist but look at me now.
- My new diet is wearing me thin.
- I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock.
- I was such a fat baby that instead of a stork, I was delivered by a crane.
- If anyone needs to go to the toilet, speak now or forever hold your piss.
- When I asked a taxidermist what she did for a living, she replied with "You know, stuff."
- I'm so ugly that onions cry when I cut them.
- Rest assured, I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.
- Today is the day I start being decisive. Or is it?
- I stay up all night trying to remember if I have insomnia or amnesia
(source: Reddit)
