Funny jokes, insults, pictures, memes, cartoons and gifs.

The Lobby

Hi, I've forgotten what room I'm in. No problem, sir. This is called 'The Lobby'
Hi, I've forgotten what room I'm in. No problem, sir. This is called 'The Lobby'

Warmer, Warmer

Funny Grim Reaper Warmer Cartoon Picture
Funny Grim Reaper Cartoon - Warmer

Air And Space Museum

Funny Air And Space Museum Picture
Funny Air And Space Museum Picture

How long does a queen last?

Funny How long does a queen last photo collection
Funny How long does a queen last? Duracell photo strip
I will outlive you too, you little sh*t
I will outlive you too, you little sh*t

Juth Do It

Juth Do It
Believe in thomthing even if it meanth thacrifithing everything. Juth do it.  Mike Tyson Nike advert

Lost Wives Joke

 Unhappy old married couple joke picture
 Unhappy old married couple supermarket joke picture

The two shopping carts collided with loud bang.

"Sorry about that," said the old man.  "I'm looking for my wife, and wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's OK," replied the other man.  "I wasn't either.  Funnily enough I've lost my wife too.  I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well maybe we can help each other," said the old man.  "What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts with a red halter top. What does your wife look like?"

The old man replied, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."


Game of Thrones Plot Evolution

Funny Game of Thrones Plot Evolution Chart Picture
Funny Game of Thrones Plot Evolution Chart Picture

Sheet Ghost Humour

You know, you wouldn't be blind if you would poke holes in your sheet
You know, you wouldn't be blind if you would poke holes in your sheet

You came home early today!
You came home early today!

The Halloween party was great until the sheet hit the fan
The Halloween party was great until the sheet hit the fan

Whoops, sorry Earl
Whoops, sorry Earl

Huawei Phone Meme

When you send a good joke from your Huawei phone
When you send a good joke from your Huawei phone

Unattended Children Sign

Unattended children will be given an energy drink and taught to swear
Funny sign - Unattended children will be given an energy drink and taught to swear

Doing Something Wrong

If people don't occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you're doing something wrong
If people don't occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you're doing something wrong

Robbed A Bank

I robbed a bank last year and got away with it. To this day I still have the pen
Funny confession bear meme - I robbed a bank last year and got away with it. To this day I still have the pen

Who Is Calling?

Irish man on phone joke picture

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

"Well," replied Paddy, "we've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars, oh, and dat Bentley de fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two. ''Do you know whom you are speaking to?''

''No,'' replied Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked Paddy

''No!'' roared the colonel.

''Well tank goodness for dat,'' said Paddy, and hung up the phone.

Welcome To Idaho Sign

Welcome To Idaho
Funny Welcome To Idaho Sign. No attractions

Cat Carrier

Cat Carrier - Whether you have an exuberant Tom or just a kitten, you need our new Taby Tote feline transportation system
Cat Carrier - Whether you have an exuberant Tom or just a kitten, you need our new Taby Tote feline transportation system

Meanwhile, in Florida

Florida woman walks her pet alligator
Florida woman walks her pet alligator

Awkward Earthquake

When the earthquake happens at the wrong time, and a young couple stand in a crowd wrapped in a duvet
When the earthquake happens at the wrong time, and a young couple stand in a crowd wrapped in a duvet

Smaller Internet

Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other smaller internet is up to?
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other smaller internet is up to?

Two Black Eyes Joke

funny man with two black eyes joke picture

Jake stared at my two black eyes. "What on earth happened to you?"

"Well, I was sitting in church yesterday, when I noticed the woman in front of me had her dress sticking in her bum crack.  So I reached over and pulled it out.  She turned around and hit me in the eye."

He laughed. "OK, that explains one black eye, but what about the other one?"

"Well, I figured that must have been how she wanted her dress, so I put it back."

Amin Yashou

Amin Yashou - Lives in Redding - From Baghdad, Iraq
Amin Yashou - Lives in Redding - From Baghdad, Iraq

Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week
 Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed.

Do you need help?

Liquor Store Worker: do you need help? Me: Yes, but I decided to come here instead
Liquor Store Worker: do you need help? Me: Yes, but I decided to come here instead

Man Identifies As Kid

Man who identifies as a 5-year-old dominates kids jiu jitsu class
Man who identifies as a 5-year-old dominates kids jiu jitsu class

Interest-Free Banking

I'd like to open an account. Who cares? Interest-free banking
I'd like to open an account. Who cares? Interest-free banking

Any Vandals?

Funny Any Vandals? Surveillance Camera Vandalism Fail
Funny Any Vandals? Surveillance Camera Vandalism Fail

Complicated Burn

I changed my Facebook status to it's complicated.  Quantum physics is complicated. You're just a slut.
I changed my Facebook status to it's complicated.  Quantum physics is complicated. You're just a slut.

Early Bird Catches The Worm

Funny Owl Early Bird Catches The Worm Cartoon
Funny Owl Early Bird Catches The Worm Cartoon

Smol

Funny smol cat being weighed
Funny smol cat being weighed

Oh Deer

Funny Dead Deer Roadkill Get Well Soon Balloon
Oh Deer - Funny Dead Deer Roadkill Get Well Soon Balloon

Would you like to hear a TCP joke?

Funny Would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

20 Lashes Pirate

Aye, the prisoner looks very nice - but that's not what I meant by 20 lashes
Aye, the prisoner looks very nice - but that's not what I meant by 20 lashes

Honk For Grandma

Funny Honk For Grandma Funeral Procession
Funny Honk For Grandma Funeral Procession

German Scrabble

Funny German Scrabble Cartoon Picture
Funny German Scrabble Cartoon Picture

That Smells Really Good Starter Pack

The wow what are you cooking that smells really good starter pack
Funny That Smells Really Good Starter Pack Meme Picture

New High Score

Hey ... new high score! I'm good at this!
Hey ... new high score! I'm good at this! Funny cat sitting on the scales

World's Funniest Irish Jokes

Irish man - funny jokes

You have got to love the Irish, those inhabitants of the fair Emerald Isle: stunning red-haired women, feisty drink-loving men, a people of legend and gold.  The jokes below could have been told of any nation, but the natural charm of this wonderful people make it a delight to tell in this way.  I hope you enjoy them.

1. Hairy Ned's


 The 999 operator answered and Paddy shouted, "Get an ambulance here, at the double! Me mate Seamus is bleeding from his nose and ears.  He was hit by a car and I tink both his legs are broken too."

 "What is your location, sir?" asked the operator.

 "I'm outside Hairy Ned's bar.  Dat's on Eucalyptus Street," replied Paddy.

 "Sorry sir, I can't quite understand you," said the operator. "Could you spell the road name for me please?"

 The line went silent and the operator listened with increasing concern as she heard nothing but heavy breathing.  "Sir, are you still there?"

 Eventually Paddy replied, "Yes, sorry about dat... See I couldn't spell Eucalyptus Street, so I just dragged him round the corner to Oak Street."


2. Bus


 Paddy and Seamus staggered out of the pub.  As the buses had stopped running they started to walk home.  "I'm too drunk to walk, Seamus," moaned Paddy after a few minutes. "Why don't we take a bus from the depot?  It's just up here."  Before Seamus could answer, his friend had staggered off in the direction of the depot. An hour later he returned, but without a bus.  "I couldn't find the 228 bus, Seamus."

 "Ah, ye daft egit," said his friend. "We could've taken the 289 and hopped off at the bottom of our road!"

3. Do you know who I am?


 The phone rang at the motor pool.  Paddy answered it.  "Hello?"

 "How many operational vehicles do you have?" demanded an authoritative voice.

 Well," replied Paddy, scratching his head, "we've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars, oh, and dat Bentley de fat colonel swanks around in."

 The phone was silent for a few seconds, before the voice asked, "'Do you know whom you are addressing?''

 ''No,'' replied Paddy.

 "I am the so-called fat colonel you so insubordinately referred to."

 "So, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked Paddy

 "No!" shouted the colonel angrily.

 ''Well tank goodness for dat,'' said Paddy, and put the phone down.

4. Light Bulb Moment


 A factory foreman walked on to the factory floor to find Seamus hanging from the ceiling, with a group of workmen standing watching him.  "What on earth are you doing, man?" he shouted.

 "Seamus thinks he's a light bulb," said Paddy.

 "Well get down, dammit!" shouted the foreman.  "I think you'd better go home and get some rest."

 Seamus climbed down reluctantly and left.  The onlookers turned to follow him.

 "And where do you think you are going?" shouted the foreman.

 "Well now, we can't work in the dark, can we?" replied Paddy.

5. Parking


 Paddy circled the car park for the fifth time, cursing.  He was already late for his interview.  In desperation he offered a prayer: "Dear Lord Jesus.  I know I have done bad tings and all, and will probably do many more, but if you would be so kind as to give me a parking space so I don't miss me job interview, I would be ever so grateful. I promise I will start going to church every Sunday, like a good Catholic should. Amen. To be sure."

 Suddenly a car pulled out in front of him, freeing up a space.  Paddy chuckled. "Ah, never mind, Lord.  I got one already.  Tanks anyway."

6. Fishing


 Paddy and Seamus were fishing on the lake one fine day when they caught, not a fish, but  a lamp.  Hoping it was magic they decided to give it a rub.  The lamp emitted a thin wisp of smoke, followed by a limp pop and the appearance of a bedraggled little genie dressed in green. He looked at the two friends, and said, "Now look here, boys, dere'll be none of dat tree wishes rubbish here.  You'll have de one wish between yous, and dat's final."

 Before Seamus could say anything, Paddy shouted, "Oh, dat's easy.  We want all the water in the world to be beer." The genie flicked his fingers and disappeared, along with the lamp.

 Paddy leaped into the lake with a whoop, and started drinking excitedly. "It's beer, Seamus!" he shouted.

 Seamus shook his head.  "Ye daft egit. Now we'll have to pee in the boat."

 7. To be sure


 Paddy wobbled out of the pub and fell helplessly into the nearby gutter. An old woman looked on disdainfully, and said,  "You're drunk, young man!"

 Paddy looked up at her, squinting, and then giggled.  "Bejesus, woman, you scared me! I thought you might be de missus come back from Hell.  But, tell me, are you sure I'm drunk?"

 The woman snorted. "Of course you are!"

 "Oh thank the Lord," replied Paddy. "For a minute there I thought I might be a cripple."

8. Drinks for all


 Paddy staggered into a bar and shouted to the bartender. "Drinks for all, and one for yourself, good man."

 The bartender poured the drinks. "That'll be £36.50."

 Paddy shrugged and replied that he had no money. The furious bartender roughed him up a bit and threw him out of the pub.

 The next night Paddy was back and again ordered a round for the whole bar, including the bartender.  The bartender poured the drinks reluctantly, only to find that once again the Irishman did not have any money.  He slapped Paddy around the head a few times and kicked him out.

 The third night Paddy returned and squinted warily at the bartender before saying, "Drinks for all!"

 "What, no drink for me tonight, Paddy?" asked the bartender, smirking.

 "Oh, no," replied Paddy. "You get violent when you drink."

9. Grass dreams


 Paddy and Seamus were sitting on the pavement drinking Guinness when a truck passed with piles of turf on the back.

 "When I win the lottery," said Paddy. "I'm going to do that."

 "What, drive a truck?" asked Seamus.

 "No, don't be daft.  I mean send me lawn away to be mown."

10. Choices


 Paddy sat excitedly on the plane.

 "Would you like something to drink?" asked the air stewardess as she passed with a trolley.

 "I'll have a whiskey, tanks," replied Paddy. "No ice."

 The stewardess poured his drink before turning to the man next to Paddy who wore a turban.  "Anything for you, sir?"

 "I'd rather be taken by a dozen brazen women than let liquor touch my lips!" replied the man, scowling.

 Paddy looked at the man, stunned, but then handed his drink back to the stewardess. "Me too, ma'am. I didn't know dat was an option."

11. Elephants


 Paddy sat down with a sigh.

 "What'll it be, Paddy?" asked the bartender.

 "I'll have a double whiskey, Ned.  Actually, just leave the bottle,"

 "Missus troubles again, Paddy?"

 Paddy nodded. "Women. You just can't win. You tell them they are beautiful a hundred times and they don't believe you, but you tell them once they're fat and they remember it the rest of their lives, because elephants never forget."

12 Speeding


 "Do you know what your speed was?" asked the traffic policeman as Paddy rolled down his window. Paddy shook his head.

 "120 mph, sir.  What was the big hurry, if I might ask?"

 "Oh, I was going to a lecture," replied Paddy.

 "A lecture?? Who on earth is giving a lecture this time of the night?" asked the policeman.

 "My wife."

14. The Game


 The man nudged Paddy.  "Hey, how come that seat next to you is empty then?  Tickets for this game have been sold out for months!"

 "Well," replied Paddy. "It was meant for me wife, but she passed away."

 "Oh I'm really sorry to hear that," replied the man, "but, um, couldn't you get a friend or relative to come with you?"

 "Nah," replied Paddy.  "They're all at the funeral."

14. Drinking like a Man


 Paddy walked into the bar and ordered 3 vodkas.

 "Bad day?" asked the bartender.

 Paddy nodded.  "We just found out my older brother is gay. Father was furious!"

 The bartender nodded sympathetically and poured the drinks.  Paddy downed them and left.

 The next evening he was back and ordered 3 more vodkas.

 "What now?" asked the bartender.

 "My younger brother came out the closet too."

 The bartender sighed and poured the drinks.  Paddy downed them in quick succession and left.

 The next evening he was back, shouting, "3 vodkas!"

 The bartender hurried over and said, "Grief, man, doesn't anyone in your family like women??"

 Paddy replied, scowling, "Yes... me wife."

15. Choices


 Paddy took his missus to the disco one night, and they watched as a man showed off his dance skills in the middle of the dance floor: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

 Paddy's wife turned to him and said, "See him?  That's Seamus.  Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me, and idiot that I was, I turned him down."

 Paddy shrugged.  "Looks like he's still celebrating."


Ex Text

Funny When your ex text you picture
When your ex text you... Do you still hate me? Yup. On a scale of 1-10? If I had a gun with two bullets and was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and you I would shoot you twice - funny text

Human 1.1 Hotfix Patch

Funny Human 1.1 Hotfix Patch Picture
Funny Human 1.1 Hotfix Patch - dislodged eyelashes will no longer enter eyeball area and become inaccessible - random cheek and tongue biting issue during food consumption fixed - memory leak patched 

Father, I'm Cold Joke

funny short joke priest and nun staying at a stone cottage on the irish moors

"Father Murphy?" said the nun.

"Yes, Sister?" murmured the priest drowsily.

"I'm cold."

The priest got up from the floor of the stone cottage and fetched a blanket from the wooden chest.  He handed it to the nun, who lay on a bunk bed.  He settled down again, and attempted to go back to sleep.

"Father?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm still cold," said the nun.

The priest got up again and fetched a second blanket for the nun.  He lay down with a deep sigh.  They had been hiking through the moors all day, and he was tired.

"Father?"

"Yes, Sister Agnes?"

"I'm still cold."

The priest replied, "Sister Agnes, it seems we have ourselves a little problem that has two possible solutions: I could either fetch you another blanket, or alternatively we could pretend we are a married couple."

"Father," replied the nun huskily, "I think I would like the second option very much."

"Well, in that case, get your own damn blanket, woman!"

Peppa Pig Jigsaw Puzzle

Funny Essential Waitrose Peppa Pig Jigsaw Puzzle Chopped Bacon Bits
Funny Essential Waitrose Peppa Pig Jigsaw Puzzle Chopped Bacon Bits

Brief History of Medicine

Funny Brief History of Medicine List Picture
Funny Brief History of Medicine List Picture

Paint A Line Joke

funny man painting road line joke picture

A man was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of the highway.  On his first day, he painted six miles; on his second day, he did three miles; and on his third day, he painted less than a mile.

"How come you're doing less each day?" ask the displeased foreman.

"Because," replied the man, "each day I am further away from the can of paint!"

funny short joke

Benefits Of Being Female

Funny Benefits Of Being Female Picture
Funny Benefits Of Being Female - We got off the Titanic first. Our guy's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

Old Times Were Better

Funny Old Times Were Better - We are the best Cartoon
Funny Old Times Were Better - We are the best Cartoon

Correct Way To Spell Potato

Funny Correct Way To Spell Potato Picture
Funny Correct Way To Spell Potato Picture

Psychiatric Hotline Automated Answering System

Funny Psychiatric Hotline Automated Answering System Picture
Funny Psychiatric Hotline Automated Answering System Picture