Funny jokes, insults, puns, pictures, memes, cartoons and gifs.

Say Cheese!

Funny train photo fail picture
Funny train photo fail picture

Same Outfit As You

When you go out and someone's wearing the same outfit as you
When you go out and someone's wearing the same outfit as you - funny dog meme

Guest Joker - Chris Dyson

comedian joke picture



Someone threw a giant bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. I’m fine, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
~
The Milky Bar kid has got into trouble for advertising a rival chocolate bar. Apparently they’ve put a massive Bounty on his head.
 ~
I went to a funeral who was killed when he was hit by a tennis ball. It was a wonderful service.
~
I had a Thai massage at the weekend. Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I just keep thinking: “Don’t get a hard-on. Don’t get a hard-on”. 

But of course she did.
~

A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room. 

“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims. 

 “This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“ 

 “Your light was on,” says the man.

~

At a Halloween party...
Man: What have you come as?
Woman: A harp.
Man: You’re too small to be a harp.
Woman: Are you calling me a lyre?
~
Interviewer:   What would you say was your greatest strength?
Job Applicant: Well, I can perform under pressure.
Interviewer:  Can you give an example?
Applicant:  Oh, umm...
  Dum dum dum de de dum dum
  Dum dum dum de de dum dum
  PRESSURE! Pushing down me,
  Pushing down on you...
~
King: “How many men have volunteered for my army?”
General: “380, my liege”
King: “OK, round them up”
General: “400, my liege”
 ~
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I want us to split up.”
Boyfriend: “Great idea. That way we can cover twice as much ground.”
 ~
Buildings Inspector: “So what are you going to call this place?”
Darth Vader: “The Death...”
Buildings Inspector looks up from clipboard
Darth Vader: “...uhhhh The Health Star.”
~
A duck books into a hotel. He goes up to reception and says, "I'm feeling lucky, love. Have you got any condoms?"

"Yes we have,"  replies the receptionist. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Well, if you're feeling kinky," the duck says.
~
My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding, we should have just hired a photographer.
~
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

A: Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.
~
Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obviously wrong with either of you. But Mary, I think you might be overheating in the act. I suggest you purchase a fan and use that when you go to bed.”

Paddy, being a careful sort, doesn’t want to splash out on a new fan so he rings his best pal Tommy and asks Tommy if he’ll flap a towel over Paddy and Mary as they make love.  That evening Tommy comes round and waves a towel over the couple as they go at it. Two hours later, there’s still no difference, Mary is still unsatisfied.

“Paddy, I tell you what,” suggests Mary, “Why don’t you swap places with Tommy? You can flap the towel and Tommy and I can try the love making.”

Desperate, Paddy agrees. Within 5 minutes of Mary and Tommy making vigorous love Mary reaches a thunderous climax, and then again. And then again. Finally after an hour they both collapse on the bed, exhausted.”

“That, Tommy”, Paddy announces, “is how you flap a bloody towel!”

Mothafuqueur

Mothafuqueur - a fragrance by Samuel L. Jackson
Mothafuqueur - a fragrance by Samuel L. Jackson

Marriage Bet

Marriage - Betting someone half your sh*t that you'll love them forever
Marriage - Betting someone half your sh*t that you'll love them forever

Fart Factory Dog Costume

Funny Fart Factory Dog Costume Picture
Funny Fart Factory Dog Costume Picture

Stroke Clinic

Dog waiting excitedly outside a stroke clinic, tail wagging
Dog waiting excitedly outside a stroke clinic, tail wagging

Birthday Roses

Any idea what you're getting for your birthday? Rose from Bob... that's a given
Any idea what you're getting for your birthday? Rose from Bob... that's a given

Daddy's Sticker Chart

Funny Daddy's Sticker Chart Picture
Daddy's Sticker Chart - Wash dishes - Put toilet seat down - Change blowout diaper - Bathe the rug rates - Pack the kids' lunches - Vacuum car seats - Clean up throw up

Beware of Log Sign

Funny Beware of Log Sign
Funny Beware of Log Sign

Abolish Sleevery

Funny Abraham Lincoln Abolish Sleevery Pun Sleeveless top
Funny Abraham Lincoln Abolish Sleevery Pun Sleeveless Top

Connect Flour

Connect Flour - The original four-in-a-row checkers game
Connect Flour - The original four-in-a-row checkers game

Guess Who

Funny Grim Reaper Cartoon Guess who
Funny Grim Reaper Cartoon Picture Guess who


Captain Hook guess who cartoon
Captain Hook guess who cartoon

Wonder Sauna Hot Pants

Wonder Sauna Hot Pants
Wonder Sauna Hot Pants - Health-Watchers of America - Look Better - Feel Better - Wake Up Your Body

Condoms Aren't Totally Safe

Condoms Aren't Totally Safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus
Condoms Aren't Totally Safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

No Returns Cartoon

Mother attempts to return his screaming child to a sperm bank
Funny no returns cartoon - Mother attempts to return his screaming child to a sperm bank

Dating Burn

Words can't describe how cute you are, but numbers can. 3/10
Words can't describe how cute you are, but numbers can. 3/10

Irma Gerd!

When internet users evacuate.  Irma Gerd!
When internet users evacuate.  Irma Gerd!

Fun Fact

Fun Fact - The average person walks past a murderer 36 times in their life.
Fun Fact - The average person walks past a murderer 36 times in their life. *It's a Fun Fact because they didn't kill you.

Budget Burials

Budget Burials
Budget Burials

Funeral Home Card

Got a birthday card from the funeral home... I'm not impressed. They only want me for my body
Got a birthday card from the funeral home... I'm not impressed. They only want me for my body

Cheerio Darling

The awkward moment when you find out your husband and his other Dad friends have  Cheerio stacking contests with their kids
The awkward moment when you find out your husband and his other Dad friends have  Cheerio stacking contests with their kids

Fireman Buys Bottled Water

Fireman Buys Bottled Water
Funny Fireman Buys Bottled Water

Crayons Insult

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you - funny insult

40 More Insults

40 more insults to make your day
40 more insults to make your day

Reasonable Prudent Speed Limit Sign

Funny Reasonable And Prudent Montana Speed Limit Sign Picture
Funny Reasonable And Prudent Montana Speed Limit Sign Picture

Rolling In The Hay

Couple Rolling In The Hay Funny Picture
Couple Rolling In The Hay Funny Picture

Cutlery Stablery Scooplery

Cutlery Stablery Scooplery
Funny Cutlery Stablery Scooplery Meme

Building A Treehouse

Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend, here hold him"
Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend, here hold him". Funny meme

To Boldly Coast

To boldly coast, where no man has coasted before - funny star trek table
To boldly coast, where no man has coasted before - funny star trek table

Potty Training

It's an apprenticeship! Stop telling people I'm being potty trained
It's an apprenticeship! Stop telling people I'm being potty trained

Bite Marks Are Love Notes

Bite marks are love notes written in flesh - I love you zebra, says the lion
Bite marks are love notes written in flesh - I love you zebra, says the lion

Down Pixar Movie

Funny Down by Disney PIXAR
Funny Down by Disney PIXAR

Asparagoose

Funny Asparagoose - asparagus goose pun
Funny Asparagoose - asparagus goose pun

Babysitter Prank

Got no kids? Hire a babysitter anyway and do this most excellent prank
Got no kids? Hire a babysitter anyway. Say your kid is asleep upstairs and must not be disturbed. Then upon your return, ask where your child is.

Never Trust A Fart

Never Trust A Fart - Chicken Pops Lays An Egg
Never Trust A Fart - Chicken Pops Lays A Cracked Egg

15 Best One-liner Jokes

15 Best One-liner Jokes

Stop Sine

This is a Stop Sine
This is a Stop Sine

Deer For Sale

Selling this baby deer. He around 4 months, not got lie occasionally he barks
Selling this baby deer. He around 4 months, not got lie occasionally he barks but that's only cause he bilingual. Message me for prices

Right To Bear Arms

As an American citizen, you have the right to bear arms
As an American citizen, you have the right to bear arms

I Wrecked Your Toilet

I Wrecked Your Toilet - It started as salad and Lobster Thermador
I Wrecked Your Toilet - It started as salad and Lobster Thermidor. But it turned into an unspeakable horror! Runner-Up, 1957 Nobel Prize for Disgusting Literature

Working Weekends

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday?
Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

BMW Driver Weird Light

Weird green light came on!! Should I be concerned?
Weird green light came on!! Should I be concerned? Funny BMW driver humour

Beep Meep Tragedy Cartoon

Beep beep meep meep. Tragically, no one could hear the truck backing up
Beep beep meep meep. Tragically, no one could hear the truck backing up

Sold My Homing Pigeon Sign

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time

Number Neighbour

Hey number neighbor! What's that? We have the same phone number, except one number off
Hey number neighbor! What's that? We have the same phone number, except one number off. Oh. Yeah so do you like spaghetti?

Concrete Slab Woman Warning Sign

Warning - a woman has been spotted living under a concrete slab outside our shop
Warning - a woman has been spotted living under a concrete slab outside our shop - she will grab your ankle - she won't let go until you say the magic word peanuts - if spotted, please alert store manager

How To Make Your Cat Look Active

Trying to make your cat look active involves some drawing
Trying to make your cat look active involves some drawing

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